Sardonic nit witticism

Doh!!!

2012-02-04T13:57:00.000-05:00

Here's a dialog that occurred the other day at school. Little girl raises her hand in the cafeteria and I called on her:

Little girl: "I'm six!"

Me: "Really! When did you turn six?"

Little girl: "On my birthday."

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Keep This Warning Tag Away From Appliance

2012-01-20T14:42:00.000-05:00

This warning tag was on an electric heater we’ve had for many years. It originally was close to the plug end of the cord. Over time, it had loosened and found its way closer to the heater.

Well, guess what happened. Yeah, it had worked its way into the heating element and started a small fire. In spite of the statement, “Do not remove this tag,” I decided to remove it anyway.

More Balls

2012-01-05T16:09:00.000-05:00

We have an event at our elementary school called Fun Run. Donors promise a certain amount of money for each lap their kid can complete. The kids usually run around our track about 15-16 laps.

Some teachers use the event as a “teachable moment.” In advance of the Fun Run, the kids are told the money can be used for such things as a drinking fountain at the playground, more soccer balls, etc.

This class was asked to complete the sentence “I am running in the fun run because …”

This is what one first grader drew:

Bitchcraft

2011-12-31T10:58:00.000-05:00

Bitchcraft [bich-kraft]

noun

A series of practices where a group of people, most often women, plot and execute evil actions against others, also typically women.

Cell Phone vs Talking to Passenger

2011-12-28T18:22:00.000-05:00

Q: What's the difference between hands-free talking on a cell phone in a car versus talking to a passenger in the car?

A: The person with whom you're talking hands-free is much less likely to shout, "Watch out!!"

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2011-12-07T17:42:00.003-05:00

Effective immediately, all employees from 2^nd level management down will be taking a 10% pay cut. This amounts to about $5000 a year per employee.

To show that there is indeed sympathy from Upper Management, I myself hereby volunteer to take a $5000 pay cut as well.

School Bus Ads

2011-03-18T08:43:00.000-04:00

New Jersey's Republican Gov. Chris Christie signed legislation in January making his state the sixth to allow advertising on school buses.

Really. What IS the world coming to?
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Smile Pretty for the Camera

2010-11-04T08:20:00.004-04:00

Here's a shocking story out of Pennsylvania. It seems a certain school district has been discreetly photographing students in their homes via the built in web cam of their school-supplied laptops in the name of theft recovery. After some recovered laptops were returned to the school, the district's IT team "forgot" to turn the web spying software off.

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Blackberry Overload

2010-09-09T07:02:00.002-04:00

The F word

2010-08-26T06:36:00.003-04:00

I heard a Kindergarten teacher say the F word to her class yesterday.

I'm serious!

She was teaching the letter F, and she said, "Now class, let's see if we can find the 'F' word in this sentence."

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Do Not Eat

2010-06-26T21:41:00.005-04:00

Thank God I read the warning. I was just about to fire up the grill.

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Gum in School Helps Students Focus

2010-03-11T07:59:00.003-05:00

According to a report in the Fredrick News Post (MD), schools are handing out chewing gum to help the kids concentrate during tests.

Citing research that shows chewing increases the ability to concentrate and has a positive effect on thinking, memory and other cognitive tasks, many schools are offering hard candy and chewing gum to students this week.
"There is this research that shows chewing helps us stay more attentive, and to stay on task," Anderson said Monday. "But there is that affective piece too -- it's the novelty, it's different and it probably just helps relieve some of the stress from taking the tests."

Funny, that's not how I remember teachers dealing with students who chewed gum.

OK, if you SAY so, come on in

2009-12-04T05:31:00.008-05:00

So. Some peckerheads crashed a White House party uninvited, after having convinced the Secret Service that they belonged.

The SS's response? "We didn't follow procedure."

I'll bet THAT'S never happened before.
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Looking Buff in the Kitchen

2009-11-19T01:28:00.007-05:00

Man Caught Naked in His Own Kitchen.

So let me get this straight. A woman walks through a man's yard, looks into his window at his butt-naked self and claims "indecent exposure." But if the man crossed her yard and looked through her window, she'd probably say he's a "Peeping Tom."

Am I missing something here? Why is it always the man who's committed a crime??
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If it's Broke, Fix It!

2009-11-11T10:37:00.003-05:00

According to The Dallas Morning News,

More government money is spent on abstinence education here than any other state, but Texas leads the country in the percentage of teen mothers who've given birth more than once. It has the country's third-highest teen birth rate.

Well, Duhhhh...
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Pick Up

2009-10-17T21:20:00.003-04:00

Insurance Blues

2009-10-17T20:30:00.002-04:00

Freeze! Drop that Popsicle Stick!

2009-10-13T16:36:00.002-04:00

Here's a thought. How about instead of suspending little kids for innocently bringing items to school resembling weapons in the name of Zero Tolerance, let's go after the students who are carrying real weapons to school.

Here's how Dictionary.com defines weapon:

n.
An instrument of attack or defense in combat, as a gun, missile, or sword.
Zoology A part or organ, such as a claw or stinger, used by an animal in attack or defense.
A means used to defend against or defeat another: Logic was her weapon.

Note in particular the example in the third definition. "Logic was her weapon."

The thought of how school administrators would apply Zero-Tolerance to a student using logic as a weapon scares me.

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Same to You, Lady!

2009-09-27T14:55:00.004-04:00

So my wife and I are at Kroger, a food chain here in NC, for our weekly shopping. When we get to checkout, we see the only open lane is the express lane, and there's about six carts in line.

I go to the self-checkout area and tell the employee there that the only open lane is Express. So she says, "OK, I'll call for someone." A moment later, I hear the announcement for someone to come up to checkout.

Another moment later, I see an employee walk to a lane and she says, "I can help someone here." I navigate our buggy into the lane and start unloading. While doing so, some nutcase lady comes up to me and starts laying into me about taking that lane. She said when a new lane opens, they usually take the next in line, "not the first one who can run over there and jump in the lane!"

I said, "Excuse me, but were it not for me asking, this lane wouldn't have even been opened." She continues, "Some gentleman YOU are! Blah, blah, blah. I can tell YOU'RE not from The South!"

I said, "How can you tell? Because I don't have a bug up my butt?"

Well, actually I don't think that last part came out out loud, but I kinda wish it had.

Worst Men's Room I've ever had the Pleasure to Visit

2009-09-13T11:22:00.013-04:00

If you've read my post about mysterious men's room doors or the one about toilet seat noises from the ladies' room, or even the one about moronic toilet seatcovers, you may believe I'm hung up on the commode.

Regardless, the experience I had last night in the restroom of a popular restaurant at which we hang was ridiculous.

I excused myself to visit this restroom from hell. I walk into the stall, and the door wouldn't lock. In fact, the lock mechanism was just hanging there. I even risked being locked into this devil-possessed stall by attempting to wiggle the dangling lock parts into some semblance of claspage, but to no avail.

So I gave up and entered the only remaining stall. The lock worked fine, the auto-flush mechanism, on the other hand, was a different story. As I sat there, not quite finished with the business at hand, the toilet flushed. And not once, but about three times. I wanted to smash the whole thing to bits.

My next order of business was to wash my hands. I approached the sinks with the auto-start faucets and pumped a glob of soap onto my palm. I placed my hands in Sink #1 - no water. I waved my hands in Sink #1, Sink #2 - nothing.

Sink #3 was my final hope. Nope. At this point I was swinging on the bar over Stall #1 (the one with the unshackled shackle) praying the motion would set Sink #3 dribbling something, anything, I'd have settled for unrecycled kitchen sink water at this point. Nothing.

Having fallen off this vertical stripper pole from still having liquid soap in my hands, I vowed to get the hell out of that demon room of the devil as quick as my aching, wobbling legs could take me. But I figured at least I should wipe the soap off my hands first. Walking over to the auto-dispense paper towel unit, and seeing the reflection of fear in my face through the mirror, I meekly waved my hand over the electric eye. Voila! Results! I got about two inches of towel released. I kept waving to get enough towel to clean the now gelling soap off my hands, fearing my wife would believe I stuck her with the check again.

I managed to get most of this goop off my hands, wiped as much of the slop out of the nooks and crannies of my wedding ring, and looked for the paper receptacle to toss my smidgen of trash.

Wasn't one anywhere. Of course.

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Is There a Doctor in the House?

2009-08-22T07:38:00.002-04:00

Any doctors or doctors' staff who can tell me what this note says? My wife is supposed to turn this in to her employer.

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07/08/09

2009-07-08T18:05:00.003-04:00

Well, did anything weird happen to you today - a day that had some people freaking out because the date was 07/08/09?

Did for me. Take a look at the fast food receipt, from a restaurant that will remain unnamed, specifically the total amount for my meal.

This could mean only one thing - Michael Jackson is actually still alive and is living in seclusion so that his fans never learn that he had Farrah's poster up on his wall when he was a kid.

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Schwartz "R" Us

2009-05-29T07:42:00.004-04:00

Toys giant FAO Schwartz has just been purchased by Toys "R" Us.

American Idle

2009-05-15T06:13:00.006-04:00

Maybe they should hire some of these gentlemen
to fix that sidewalk.
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"Sick"o de Mayo

2009-05-02T07:41:00.004-04:00

Hooters Owes Me Eight Bucks

2009-04-22T18:47:00.009-04:00

So the wife and I went to Hooters this evening, and they owe me eight dollars. I paid my money, and although the girls were really pretty, not once did I see a single chick strip.
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The World is Going to the Deadly Weapons

2009-03-31T18:26:00.009-04:00

The other day we had an article in our local paper describing how prosecutors are charging the owner of a pair of pit bulls "with assault with a deadly weapon inflicting serious injury, a felony, for failing to properly confine the dogs" after his pups mauled a neighborhood child.

According to an article in DogsBite.org,

Courts across the country have declared pit bulls as "lethal weapons." Police officers have the right to shoot and kill when under threat or when protecting citizens. Examples of officers shooting pit bulls are a daily occurrence in the news. They are often quoted as saying, "The taser did not stop the dog. I had to use my gun."

Excuse me? A dog is a deadly weapon?? This brings up a few scenarios:

"Honey, I'm taking the deadly weapon for a walk."
"Junior, don't forget to feed the deadly weapon before you go to school."
"Can I have a deadly weapon bag for the rest of my meal, please?"

I suppose certain common phrases will have to change:

Deadly Weapon biscuit.
Deadly Weapon doo.
Deadly Weapon paddle swimming.
and the worst, It's a Deadly Weapon eat Deadly Weapon world.

And some song lyrics:

"How much is the deadly weapon in the window?"

It's really getting out of hand, deadly weapon-gone it.

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Job Interviews and Tattoos

2009-03-29T19:30:00.005-04:00

A New Twist

2009-03-19T07:10:00.002-04:00

I gotta go. The three lushes are here.

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Classroom of the Future

2009-03-15T08:37:00.003-04:00

I Can't Hear Without My Glasses

2009-02-04T17:13:00.004-05:00

I was sitting at my desk working and a coworker came to the door with a question. I asked her to repeat it, and she did, but I still couldn't make out what she was saying.

I said, "Hold on a minute; let me put on my glasses."

"What do you need your glasses for?" she began, "I'm not showing you anything; I'm asking you something."

"I realize that," I started, " but at my age I am beginning to lose my hearing. Now I find it helpful to read lips as people are talking. With lip reading and listening, I can usually understand."

Therefore, I can't hear without my glasses.

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The Addams Family

2009-02-04T07:54:00.005-05:00

They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The Addams Family.

Their house is a museum.
When people come to see 'em
They really are a screa-um.
The Addams Family.

Neat
Sweet
Petite

So get a witch's shawl on.
A broomstick you can crawl on.
We're gonna pay a call on
The Addams Family.

These lyrics have always pestered me. OK, I know it was a campy series not to be taken seriously, but geeeze.

"Ooky." What the hell is that? It's not a word - I checked. They must have made up a word so it would rhyme with the previous two lines in the first stanza.

Anyway, a riddle: What do the following three words have in common:

Museum
Them
Scream

Answer: NONE OF THEM RHYME. So how in hell did the writers of that song come up with those three words in the second stanza and pass them off as rhyming?? OK, I'll give them the 'em because that's how we talk. "Give 'em hell!" for example.

But 'scream'? Come on! In no interpretation of the English language can 'scream' rhyme with 'museum' or 'them.'

Let's move onto the chorus. (I may be a bit liberal calling it that.) "Neat." OK, I understand that one - we still use 'neat' today as something of interest.

"Sweet." SWEET?? I'm sure people were using 'sweet' as an adjective of amusement prior to Jesse and Chester's ridiculous tattoo dialog in the 2000 hit "Dude, Where's My Car?" But in 1964, when "The Addams Family" was a weekly series, I doubt if 'sweet' was used to describe anything not resembling chocolate and other confectioneries.

Finally we come to "Petite." PETITE?!? Are they kidding me?? There were a few anorexic characters on that show, but the rest could hardly be considered petite. Once again I think the writers of the song wrote the first lines believing the rhymes will come to them.

Alright, that leaves the last stanza. "So get a witch's shawl on." The fact that witches wear CLOAKS aside, I'm not sure where one gets witch's apparel. And I don't want to know.

Finally, "a broomstick you can crawl on."

You know, I don't think I could even come up with how absurd that line is.

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Momma Meme

2009-02-01T12:22:00.007-05:00

Well, people, (the both of you, that is,) I've been "tagged," (whatever that means,) by Meleah of Momma Mia, Mea Culpa to complete this "meme," (whatever that is.) But seriously, I've done this only once before, a little over two years ago, so bear with me.

I have, though, seen these on other blogs and the thing I find most amusing is the part where they say "tag six random bloggers." Now for most people, who have on the average 30 or so people on their blogroll, their problem is to select only six from among them. Some have 100 or more; so many in fact that their blogroll actually rolls (re: scrolls) so they can be displayed in a limited amount of space.

I have 8 bloggers who link or have linked to me at some point. Eight. And most of them I haven't commented on in quite some time. Others have stated, "don't bother, I have hardly the time for ME let alone meme." Further, (and both of you might find this odd,) I regularly visit only a smattering of those eight, and none other. I need to either get a life or be glad I have one, I'm not sure. Anyway, don't be mad if I hedge on rule #4 below.

So here goes.

The rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

The disclosures:

1. quirk: I have to sleep with my head taking up no more than a quarter of my pillow. I'm not sure if I could fall asleep if my head were fully on the pillow. I'm not sure why.

2. non-important thing: My hair is looking particularly long these days. Not a good thing if one is searching for a job.

3. habit: I talk way too much. Specially if I get too comfortable. Which is too often.

4. quirk: I have a tendency to over analyze everything. Including why I got tagged for this.

5. non-important thing: I desperately need a new wardrobe. Or at least new shoes.

6. habit: I drink too much. But so do my friends. In fact, the more they drink, the funnier I am.

The SIX lucky bloggers I am tagging are:

Oh, who the hell am I fooling. If you're reading this, you're tagged.

Looks like a Cyclone hit it

2009-01-31T06:21:00.002-05:00

From one of my other blogs:

A Riddle for you:

Question: What's the difference between a tornado and the U.S. Economy?

Answer: One leaves a path of destruction as it brings down homes and takes away cars and other prized possessions and personal belongings and the other is a wind storm.
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If You Seek Amy

2009-01-29T18:45:00.004-05:00

So Britney is once again in the news. Did it again, I guess. Seems people are upset over the title and lyrics of a song on her new album.

Guess Spears won't be invited to sing at the Super Bowl, will she?
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And H makes Eight.

2009-01-28T22:35:00.006-05:00

Note: As a result of a veiled threat from a reader, I post this reprint from one of my other blogs:

By now I suppose you've heard the story of the Houston mother who gave birth to octuplets this week. According to one article,

Details about how the octuplets were conceived have not been released, but doctors not involved in the delivery believe the mother was likely on fertility treatment.

I wonder why doctors thought it was likely she was on babymaker pills. It seems that whenever you hear stories about multiple births of four or more kids, Mom is on fertility meds. I feel badly for couples who are having difficulty conceiving a child and then going from none to eight.

The kids were 2 girls and 6 boys. I'm just picturing these girls trying to get a date when they're older. A 16 year old guy comes up to one, chats her up a bit, then asks her out. She says OK, and he says, "do you have a sister for my buddy?" Yeah - and she's my age. "Oh, you're twins?" No, she says.

Suddenly six boys, all appearing to be the exact same age, come around the corner and scare the guys away.

And what about how boys eat? Sure, the 2 girls will always be watching their weight - some things will never change - but I know boys who can put away two steaks at a single meal.

"Honey, I'm going to the store - do you need anything?"

"Yeah, get three Ultra-Slim-Slows, twelve steaks, and whatever you want."

UPDATE:

Turns out this mother already had six kids - and she's only 33 years old. Fourteen kids. I know some teachers who have less than that in their whole classroom.

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A Keg a Day Keeps the (oh, never mind)

2009-01-07T07:17:00.003-05:00

So this college senior is coming out of a coma in the emergency room after doctors had found large amounts of alcohol and drugs in his system.

"What happened?" he asks.

"Tell me, son," the doctor begins, "do you drink alcohol?"

"Well, yeah, I mean after all, I'm in college, man! We drink at least a keg a week."

"And do you also abuse drugs?" the doctor continues.

"Abuse is such a strong word. I choose to call it Chronic Experimentation," says the boy.

"Don't you know," begins the doctor, "that keggers can't be abusers?"
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If Chrysler Merges With General Motors ...

2008-11-14T06:18:00.004-05:00

you may have an automobile such as this:

GMC Yukon + Cadillac Escalade + Chevy Tahoe + Chrysler Aspen =

... wait for it ...

Yu-Lade-Hoe-Ass

(sorry.)

Extra Hour of Sleep My Left Butt Cheek!

2008-11-02T05:56:00.012-05:00

OK, so they say that we set our clocks back this weekend. An extra hour of sleep, they tell me. Time to get back that hour of sleep we lost in the Spring. To be honest, I really don't miss those sixty minutes that much anymore. I mean, when was that, about six months ago? Been a lot of other things to lose sleep over during that period, wouldn't you say?

Anyway, here's how it usually goes for me this time of year. I set my alarm clock to wake me at 2:00 AM on Sunday to set my clocks back. I mean after all, that's when it becomes official, right? At 2:00?

So the alarm rings at 2 and I'm all like, "Whaaa?" I'm stumbling around in the dark to find my slippers and bathrobe and stub my toe on the damned nightstand, because usually there's daylight when I normally get out of bed.

Then I fumble for the light switch on the wall. GAAAAA! that light is damned bright. I think I know what they did with the lights at the old Yankee Stadium - they're now in our bedroom.

Anyway, now that I'm up and fully awake, I drag my way through the house changing the eleventy-thousand clocks and watches we have.

Finally at about 2:30, (which is now 1:30,) I grumble back into bed.

So guess what happens when my newly adjusted bedside clock radio again reaches 2:00?

You got it - the alarm rings again.

SHEEEE-IT! I'm not sure I remember what became of that clock radio, but I do recall I needed a new one anyway.

I usually wake up about 7:00. So do the cats. In fact, it's the cats' internal timeclock that is more likely to wake me than the clock radio. Guess that won't be a problem again until I get another one.

Anyway, the cats roll in around 6:59 when their stomachs start collectively growling and they come nuzzling along side of me to get up to feed them. Only guess what? It's not really 6:59 but now it's 5:59. Damned cats need to reset their internal clocks! (And at 2:00 too. Why should us humans be the only ones to suffer through that extra hour of sleep??)

I yawn through my breakfast, and get on with my usual Sunday routines. Around 11:00 I'm starving as hell, and why wouldn't I be? My stomach's still on Daylight Savings Time and it thinks it's noon. I eat lunch anyway, Standard Time be damned.

Well, of course that throws off dinner time because we are to visit the In-Laws and they have set arrival at 6:00, (which my still unadjusted bodyclock says it's 7:00.)

By 10, I'm really tired, and why wouldn't I be? Old bodyclock says it's 11:00 at night. Monday morning at 5:59 by my new clock radio, there's ol' Buster and Blue Eyes nosing in on my much deserved sleep. Apparently it will take a few days for them to adjust as well.

I'm afraid I'm going to doze off in my easy chair while waiting for the clock to reach the time I leave for work . I finally bumble into the office at 8:30, my usual time, and try to get some tasks done. I yawn through lunch and rub my eyes through endless afternoon meetings wondering when 5:00 is ever going to roll around. It seems to take an eternity, and then I remember why. My internal sundial feels that 5:00 is 6:00 and by then I'm usually thinking about dinner on the drive home.

So I finally get home, and it's dark outside. Can hardly see the keys for the door because the porch light isn't on. (Why can't those lousy mechanical lamp timers know when the time changes? Make that eleventy-thousand and one clocks.)

Wife asks, "How was your day, Dear?"

I can't say. I'm still trying to recover from my 'Extra Hour of Sleep.'
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She Loves You

2008-09-22T06:34:00.007-04:00

This month marks the forty-fifth anniversary of one of the most beloved #1 hits from The Beatles: She Loves You, with exciting lyrics including:

"She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah," and culminating with the unforgettable lyrics:
"She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, YEAHHHHH."

A few years later The Rolling Stones, a band that some have argued had sprung up in answer to The Beatles rosy cheeked songs, wrote a song called "Start Me Up" containing such amusing lyrics as:

"You make a dead man come."

And people complain about the direction song lyrics are headed these days.
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Starting 'em young

2008-09-14T06:49:00.007-04:00

Saw the first pic from a post on one of my fave blogsites. Picture of Mattel's "Ken" doll - Barbie's main squeeze.

How could one help but notice the obvious direction the advertising people were going with those trunks, huh?

Little girls only saw the cool things she could do with this new doll from the ad.

But I'm sure it was Mom the ad guys were targeting. The Mom who controls the purse strings when it comes to purchasing decisions like this one.

Mom may not have been able to detect why she was drawn to the ad, but drawn she may have been.

Subtle, guys. Real subtle.
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You can't see me

2008-08-12T05:59:00.007-04:00

Cloaking devices render objects invisible using metamaterials:

By Sarah Yang, Media Relations 11 August 2008

BERKELEY
Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley, have for the first time engineered 3-D materials that can reverse the natural direction of visible and near-infrared light, a development that could help form the basis for higher resolution optical imaging, nanocircuits for high-powered computers, and, to the delight of science-fiction and fantasy buffs, cloaking devices that could render objects invisible to the human eye.

Now if they could only cloak my "love handles."
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Eternal Darnednation

2008-08-10T08:28:00.004-04:00

I read in our paper this week that a woman asked a religious advice columnist who her husband would spend eternity in Heaven with: her, or her husband's first wife, from whom he'd divorced.

It seems the husband was making waves that, since he was Catholic and Catholics aren't big promoters of divorce, he'd probably be paired with Wife #1 beyond the Pearly Gates.

The columnist responded that this was a matter of the heart, not one of religious beliefs. This hubby needed to reflect on his own feelings for his first and second wives and to not use Catholic teachings to justify putting one over the other.

He went on further to suggest that God himself will make the determination as to which person or persons the man would find eternally linked to in the Great Beyond.

I don't know. For some reason I cannot bring myself to imagine that God would set up a 'threesome' with divorced, then remarried Catholics, or for anyone else for that matter, in Heaven.

Can you?
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Is this image offensive?

2008-08-03T08:40:00.013-04:00

A shopping mall in Raleigh NC was

"the site of a protest by a group requesting that a 'sexually explicit' picture in front of Abercrombie & Fitch be put inside the store.

"The group calling themselves 'Move The Picture' (hosted a quiet protest) outside the mall (this week.)

"The group is protesting a large 10 foot by 10 foot photo that has been put in front of the Abercrombie and Fitch store at the mall. The photo is of a young man's body with his pants pulled down below his waist with a shadow strategically placed in his groin area."

From the group's website:

I am writing to you with great concern and a heavy heart for my children and for other children in my community. This past Sunday, I was in Triangle Town Center with my wife and my four children, ages 11 months to 7 years of age. ... On the way to the play area in the mall, we were accosted by a huge sexually explicit picture in the entrance of Abercrombie and Fitch. With the blinds drawn in the other windows of the store, the only thing you could see was a 10 foot by 10 foot picture of a man pulling down his pants. In fact, the man's pubic hair must have been shaved or airbrushed out to get the pants this low. It is clear that Abercrombie wants your eye to be drawn to this picture. It is also clear from the picture that they would have a tough time making the case that it was clothes they were selling with this picture. ... I couldn't believe that as an unsuspecting patron of the mall, my kids had a picture pushed on them that I would never let them look at through any other form of media. I cannot begin to tell you all the emotions that I was feeling - utter shock, disgust, and anger to name a few.

Here is the image as seen from the outside of the store.

On the surface, I can sympathize with the group in that they don't want to ban the image outright, but rather to move the image inside the store so as to limit the exposure to those actually entering the store.

But I ask you, is the image they challenge any more offensive than the Victoria's Secret storefront display below? And if so, how so?

No Petting Allowed

2008-08-01T07:47:00.007-04:00

There's a new ban by the Saudi religious police: using dog walking to attract females.

Every single man knows: Walking a dog in the park is a sure babe magnet. Saudi Arabia's Islamic religious police, in their zeal to keep the sexes apart, want to make sure the technique doesn't catch on in the kingdom.

The solution: Ban selling dogs and cats as pets, as well as walking them in public.

. . .

Violators found outside with their pets will have their beloved poodles and other furry companions confiscated by agents of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice, the official name of the religious police.

Those darned virtue-promoting, vice-preventing Saudis are a holy terror, aren't they?
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What About Me?

2008-08-01T07:17:00.006-04:00

New studies in stem cell research can turn skin cells into nerve cells.

Yeah, that's what I need. My skin thinking for itself.

My concern is the costs of such research versus the number of patients affected. From the text of one article:

Around the world, one or two people per 100,000 develop ALS each year, which is marked by a wasting away of certain spinal cord nerve cells called motor neurons. The single-gene form of ALS studied by (the researcher's) team affects only about 2% of ALS sufferers, while the vast majority of ALS cases are sporadic.

There are about 300 million people in the US. That means about 300-600 Americans are afflicted with ALS each year. If the form of ALS the team studied affects only two percent of those people, that's 6-12 people a year. Six to twelve people. Out of three hundred million.

And people wonder why health care is so expensive for the rest of us. Who do you think pays for all this research? You and I, as patients, that's who. My question then for all these researchers is, Why don't you invest in studies to help a greater majority of people affected with my condition: Lack of motivation to channel the effort I expend in blogging towards more productive endeavors like exercise.

Oh, and if the statistics in the above study were not enough, here's more:

But the current technique of inserting genes with viruses has potential cancerous side effects, making transplanting these cells into humans too risky.

Maybe after the hundred million dollars on helping those six people are spent, they can spend a few more million to take care of the side effects.
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Erectile Dysfunction

2008-07-27T22:40:00.003-04:00

A commercial for a pill claiming to help men with Erectile Dysfunction warns that if you suffer any loss of hearing or vision after taking the medication, you are to call your doctor.

Let me tell you, if you're so hard you're poking yourself in the ear or in the eye, you've got a problem bigger than any doctor would be able to handle.
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Evolution vs Creationism

2008-06-29T06:25:00.004-04:00

A Pastor in South Florida gives the following argument against the theory of evolution:

What are the odds that if you put all the parts of a clock in a bag, and shake it long enough, the clock will come out ticking and working perfectly? The theory of evolution expects us to believe the same for the beginnings of life.

So to put this argument to the test, I performed the following experiment:

Place the parts of a clock in a bag.
Pray vigorously for the parts to turn into a clock.
Remove ticking and perfectly working clock from the bag.

Turns out that didn't work either.
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Do we really need this??

2008-05-23T12:02:00.004-04:00

Another Non-Brunette nor Redhead Joke

2008-05-19T22:04:00.003-04:00

So this guy walks into his bathroom and sees his non-brunette nor redhead wife with her head in the toilet.

"What the hell are you doing?!?" he asks.

"Well, I got a little makeup in my eye and the directions say 'flush your eyes with water ...'"

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Storage Fees for Stolen Car

2008-05-09T06:40:00.010-04:00

Last year my dad had his car stolen. Eight days later, the police notified him it had been recovered and he could pick it up at Joe's Body Shoppe & Storage, or whatever it was called, in a nearby town.

He arrives at JBS&S and the counter guy hands him a bill for four hundred bucks. Itemized, that came to $160 for towing charges, and $240 for six days of storage, or forty smackers a day.

Dad paid the bill, figuring his insurance would reimburse him for the towing and storage charges. After all, the car was stolen, was it not?

The counter guy directs him to the location in the lot his car would be found. He circumnavigates a sea of wrecked cars and trucks to get to his vehicle. The place looks more like a junkyard or a dump than a vehicle storage facility.

Long story short, his insurance company said "No Way" his coverage would include towing and storage, regardless of the circumstances of the necessity. So basically Dad got screwed twice. Their recommendation for recourse? "Find the guy who stole your car and sue for compensation."

A towing charge three times the going rate aside, what really got me was the $40 a day storage fee. Why is space such a premium for this junkyard? I've paid less for parking in NYC! They claim part of the fee is the security. What does that mean? Barbed wire fences and a couple Dobermans?

Anyway, I think I'll write my congresswoman and ask her to consider legislation that would require the police to seek less expensive ways to handle recovered stolen vehicles. Here's a thought: tow my car to the long term parking lot at the airport. They charge only six dollars a day. Or better yet, just dump my car at the fairgrounds parking lot. Except for ten days in October, they don't charge a thing to leave your car there.
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Disappearing From the Face

2008-02-26T16:25:00.001-05:00

For those who may be interested, here's where I've been the past few months.
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Armor

2007-12-10T21:17:00.000-05:00

The military is always looking to technology for advancements in their equipment. Recently the Army was seeking armor for their tanks even stronger than what they have now.

I have a suggestion for a material they should consider.

Christmas wrapping paper.

That's right, Christmas wrapping paper.

While planning our holiday travel, the media stated we should make sure we do not wrap gifts to be brought onto the plane, but rather to leave them unwrapped and then to wrap them at our destination.

If those airport security devices cannot penetrate Christmas wrapping paper, then the wrapping surely should be able to stand up to missile fire.
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No Parking Here

2007-10-05T06:04:00.000-04:00

The other day my wife said her employer told her she'd have to give up her parking space because they needed to turn it into a handicapped space.

This got me thinking. Suppose I were to have my name officially and legally changed to Handicapped Parking. Could I park in a handicapped space? Probably not.

Other interesting official and legal name changes to gain parking privileges:

No Parking
Tow Away Zone
Emergency Parking Only
Chili's To Go!

Or how about this one. I think I'll have my name officially and legally changed to Employee of the Month so I can grab that primo parking space at Walmart.
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Fax from non-brunette nor redhead

2007-09-09T16:13:00.002-04:00

Earlier Colon Cancer Screening Saves Lives

2007-09-09T09:56:00.000-04:00

Articles regarding earlier colon cancer screening state that the practice will save more lives. Some experts state that the screening should be performed annually rather than every three to ten years. Part of the problem, some doctors say, is the costs involved.

I'll tell you what the problem is, it's the damned pre-procedure prep that you gotta do the day before. You have to suck down this horrid bowel preparation fluid, Fleet, which tastes like sea water only ten times saltier. And if that weren't bad enough, Dr. recommended doses of Fleet have been found to be harmful. The stuff makes you go, and go, and go! Your bowels are clean as a whistle after that maneuver. (I'll pause here for the shuddering over that visual to subside.)

The other problem is the fasting prior to the screening. If memory serves, you cannot eat anything other than yellow jello for twenty four hours prior to the procedure. I know it's all for the good to determine if one has a problem in the nether regions, but I found in the hours prior to my appointment, all I could think about was FOOOOOOD. That and how I was sick and tired of visiting the porcelain throne to shoot yet another watery spray down the tubes. (Insert another pause here.)

Therefore, when experts say it's the costs that keep patients from having this screening, I say Bull. It's the prep work that comes WAAAAAY before that bill that prevents people lining up at the screeners door.

A serious side

All humor aside, I did have a colonoscopy in my fiftieth year and was found to have had two pre-cancerous polyps. So now I have to have this procedure done every three years instead of every ten. In addition, our family had lost a friend we've known for four decades to colon cancer last month, and my dad was recently diagnosed with the condition.

So even though the whole routine is a Pain in the Ass, please consider having the procedure if you're over 50, and make sure your loved ones do, too. It may save your life.
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Another Non-brunette nor Redhead

2007-08-17T06:45:00.000-04:00

A man watched as his non-brunette nor redhead girlfriend got herself a glass of water from the kitchen faucet, where she proceeded to pour a little bit of it into the sink.

She sat and drank the water while reading her paper.

A bit later, she got up to get herself another drink. Again, she filled the glass, then dumped some of it in the sink.

Curiosity got the better of the man, and even though experience should have taught him otherwise, he asked her why she did that.

"Didn't you read this morning's paper?" she asked. "The city has asked residents to voluntarily conserve about ten percent of our water usage."

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Chinese Toys Found Unsafe

2007-08-16T06:51:00.001-04:00

To a child, taking away their new toy and promising a replacement, (after a few weeks) is like taking away their puppy. Or it might be similar to taking away a wedding ring and saying, "Don't worry, Honey, I'll have one back to you REAL soon - and THIS one will be soooo much better!"

Yet many children across the nation will be faced with the same situation as parents play tug'o'war with their kids' prized dolls and toy trucks in the wake of Chinese exports found to be hazardous to children. Some of these toys have been found tainted with lead paint and having small parts that present a choking hazard. And much of this is in answer to our desire for cheaper and cheaper toys from Walmart and Target.

I have a solution. Let's all boycott these "cheap" expensive toys our kids have got to have and try to acquire vintage Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls. They're safe, reliable, and if my kid sister's experience with them some 40 years ago are any indication, a whole lot of fun to play with.
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Warning! Warning!

2007-08-11T10:29:00.001-04:00

Here's a "rope light" I bought for over our kitchen cabinets.

Do you think there are enough warning tags on the cord?

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Why Can't a Woman - Be Like a Man?

2007-08-06T06:58:00.001-04:00

Girls act like Boys when they can't Smell. Scientists have determined that when they disable certain scent glands in female mice, they tend to act like male mice - including humping other females.

One female mouse to another:

"Would you blow your nose, for cryin' out loud? I'm not that kind of girl!"
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Water Usage Priorities in Cary, NC

2007-07-25T07:19:00.000-04:00

Cary has 'weird' water mix-up

Toby Coleman, Staff Writer
CARY - The bitter water pouring from Vinay Jain's tap was a water conservation measure gone foul.

For nearly five months, the Jain family home in Cary has been connected to the town's reclaimed-water system. That is the treated wastewater the town considers clean enough for suburban lawns but not good enough to drink.

...

By Tuesday afternoon, Public Works head Mike Bajorek seemed confident that the Jains were the only ones in Cary with treated wastewater coming out of their taps and drinking water coming out of their sprinklers.

Wastewater from the kitchen spigot and drinking water from the lawn sprinklers. Only in Cary, NC.
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What'samatta? Can't Take an Apology?

2007-07-19T21:02:00.000-04:00

What's with some people? I tried to apologize to a person the other day for something that was clearly my fault.

This person refused to accept my apology. In fact, she seemed more intent on apologizing herself for having put me in the position to need to apologize.

And yesterday. I see these two women talking. As I approach, I learn that one is offering some sort of apology. The other is waving her hands and shaking her head, saying, "No, no. It is MY fault."

Can someone please explain this behavior? I'm sorry, I just don't get it.
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Non-brunette nor Redhead

2007-07-07T07:43:00.001-04:00

Did you hear about the non-brunette nor redhead who, after being shown ultrasound photographs of her unborn child, claimed that they must be showing her the wrong photos?

"What makes you think this is not your child?" asked a nurse.

"Well LOOK at them!" she cried, "This child is black!"
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Seven seven seven

2007-07-07T07:11:00.000-04:00

Today's newspaper showed a photo of a long line of couples waiting yesterday at a Las Vegas marriage bureau with hopes to get a license to wed today, the seventh day of the seventh month of 2007.

I couldn't help but to imagine how couples joining the end of that line may have learned more about their compatibility and their potential future together than any previous experience prior to 07/07/07.

Boy: Would you LOOK at that line!

Girl: My, my!

Boy: What do you think?

Girl: What do you MEAN what do I think??

Boy: Well, do you want to wait in it?

Girl: And why WOULDN'T I want to wait in it?

Boy: I'm just sayin', it's a really long line ...

Girl: Yes, and the problem with that would beeeeeee ...

Boy: It'll take forever to get through this, and we have tickets to see the fight tonight.

Girl: Oh, you're gonna see a fight tonight.
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Scratch to Win

2007-07-01T08:15:00.001-04:00

I'm sure you've seen these silver-grey spots on advertising flyers, such as this one in today's Sunday paper.

You scratch off the paint, and presumably there is a potential to win big.

Trouble is, the chances of winning anything of significance depends on how much you paid to play. If you paid anything for the scratchoff, chances are you'll win nothing. If you paid nothing for the scratchoff, chances are you'll be led to believe you've won big, but in fact it's just a scam to get you to do something else.

I didn't bother scratching this spot.

If "scratch to win" were to become true, there are a bunch of women out there who would suddenly have great husbands.
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Irrational is the word

2007-06-28T07:50:00.000-04:00

You better shape up,
'cause I need a man
and my heart is set on you.
You better shape up;
you better understand
to my heart I must be true.

If you've lived anytime during the last 29 years, chances are you recognize that stanza from a popular movie song. Yes, those are the lines Sandy sings to Danny in the last scenes of the popular late '70s movie Grease.

This is the scene, you may recall, when Sandy dressed up in that hot, tight black spandex outfit to try to lure Danny, (who had gone from a hoodlum leather jacket to a letterman's sweater during the movie to try to impress her.)

The irony of the slutty chick telling the born again athlete he's gotta change HIS ways aside, I think the oddest thing about that stanza is the fallacious logic in her argument.

I NEED a man, so YOU had better shape up.

Scuuuse me??
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Cat in a Shoebox

2007-06-16T08:12:00.000-04:00

What is it about a shoebox that makes it so much more appealing for a catnap than an expensive hammock with a nice, soft cushion on top?

Learning One's Lesson

2007-06-10T09:31:00.000-04:00

Sure, Paris Hilton made a big whine-fest over her recent incarceration. What else would one expect from a spoiled heiress princess?

The important thing is that she's learned her lesson. Now if she continues to drive irresponsibly or otherwise acts in irrational ways with regards to partying, etc, then perhaps her judgment can once again be called into question.

My prediction is that we will see a new and improved Ms Hilton after this recent drama.

Time will tell.
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Smelly Refrigerator

2007-06-05T14:55:00.000-04:00

Here's how I found my refrigerator the other day. Do you think my wife's trying to tell me something??
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A Younger You

2007-05-26T16:26:00.000-04:00

Light travels at the speed of 186,000 miles per second. Were it possible to see yourself in a mirror that was 186,000 miles away, it would take two seconds for the light from your face to travel to the mirror and back to your eyes.

By extension, since it has to take SOME time for light to span a few feet, anytime you look at yourself in the mirror, you're seeing a "younger you."

I told that story to my aunt recently, hoping it would cheer her up. It didn't work.

She said, "You mean to tell me that whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I'm actually OLDER than the image I see?!?"
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Another $#!+ Clock?!

2007-04-28T20:13:00.001-04:00

We got a new toaster the other day. The one we had lasted about ten years - a good life for a toaster. So we went out and got another one - just a cheap model - after all, we just want to make toast, not end world hunger.

I take the unit out of the box and the cellophane bag inside and turn the unit to different views to inspect my purchase. Suddenly, it hit me. There it was, staring at me like an evil green eye. My heart raced as I considered the consequences.

What was this menacing object that started my blood boiling? Yet another LCD clock, that's what! This ubiquitous device has literally taken over all our small and large appliances. Soon there will be no appliance left that does not have a timepiece attached, adding to an ever growing list of clocks that need to be reset during the twice a year Daylight Saving change.

And don't even get me started about resetting clocks after a power outage.

Clocks, clocks, and even more clocks

I imagine there are some fancy refrigerators, dishwashers, washing machines and dryers that have built-in clocks. We may eventually have clocks on vacuum cleaners, garbage disposals, lawn mowers, electric fans, and garage door openers.

I have at least the following devices that contain a clock:

The VCR (yes, we still have one of those.)
The telephone answering machine
Two microwave ovens
The range
The coffeemaker
The thermostat
The sprinkler system

Now granted, these devices usually need a clock, specially if they are programmed to perform some sort of scheduled task. But we never use the clocks on the microwaves nor the range. In fact, we have black tape over the clock on the range because we never use the LCD display for anything on that appliance. Can't do that for the microwaves, though.

In addition to appliances, we also have two cellphones, two computers, two wristwatches, two clock-radios, two digital cameras, and about eight wall clocks as well as the clocks in our vehicles.

Of course some of these devices have automatic scheduling for Daylight saving Time, and spring forward or fall back by themselves at the appropriate time, but most don't.

This causes me to scramble around the house trying to set all the clocks to the right time. In the old days, I used to be able to set the handful of clocks we had in about a minute.

Today, if I set the first clock at 8:00, it would take me until about 8:06 to get to them all, so I can't just set them to a single time. One could argue, Couldn't you just set the clock one hour ahead or behind what it says at the time you reach it? However, as clocks do drift, I take the opportunity at DST changes to sync them up.

In the Spring it's not too bad setting clocks ahead. But in the Fall, when clocks go back, some sadistic clock manufacturers force you to hold a button down for several minutes while you wait and watch the numbers click ahead at a dreadfully slow rate until they reach the desired hour, because their time settings only go one way - forward. Once I got so bored waiting, I skipped right past the hour I needed.

You might ask, Well why not just ignore clocks you don't use? We tried that, but there's something about a clock that shows the wrong time that draws your eyes like a magnet. "There's something wrong in this room ... I can feel it. Yes! The clock's wrong."

The Reason

The reason LCD clocks seem to reproduce asexually is because they are so easy to incorporate into a product. If a device already has an LCD display for any use conceivable under the sun, it's only a matter of adding a chip or a few lines of programming code and voila, yet another function. After all, it seems to be every manufacturer's goal to cram as much function into each and every device, no matter whether it makes sense or not.

A Solution Needed

My solution to the length of time it takes to go all around the house setting clocks is to carry my cellphone with me and to just set everything to what that says at the time. However, a better solution is needed.

Since it is so easy to add a clock to a device, I'd like to see the manufacturers add a programming feature that lets you turn off the clock. For example, if you set the clock to 00:00, the unit would know you were saying, "Look, you idiotic device, I have 23 clocks in this house and I use four," and turn itself off. By the way, I tried this on one of our microwaves. It beeped and said Error, but the clock indeed stayed at 00:00. However, it also locked out the microwave, forcing me to set a time on the clock in order to work. As if to say to ME, "Look, you idiotic user, don't you know how to tell time?"

So now I have yet another clock. Just one thing I'd like to know. Why do I need a clock on a TOASTER??
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Watch Your Step

2007-04-20T18:07:00.000-04:00

Woman sues after falling into open grave

HIGHLANDS, N.C. (AP) An elderly woman who broke her hip when she fell into an open grave as she tried to place flowers on a friend's casket is suing the town and the funeral home.

A federal judge recently allowed Marian May's case to proceed. In court documents, she claims the site was not safe for the June 2004 service, arguing that workers neither dug the grave to the proper size nor covered the opening with plywood.

She also said people weren't warned of the danger.

Oh, brother . . . .
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Have You Seen This Man?

2007-04-18T08:09:00.000-04:00

In the wake of the Virginia Tech massacre, newspapers are reporting increases in school lockdowns:

IN BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MICH., police attributed a 30-minute lock-down at the Cranbrook Schools complex in response to jittery nerves after the Virginia slayings.

School officials called police after parents and students reported spotting a 6-foot-tall man in a skirt, high heels, lipstick and a blond wig near a school drop-off area outside Cranbrook's Kingswood Upper School, Lt. Paul Myszenski said. Police were unable to find anyone meeting that description.

Hard to believe such a person would be difficult to spot.
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I don't care for Imus

2007-04-15T16:41:00.000-04:00

Please see this post for an interesting perspective regarding a popular "solution" proposed if you don't care for "Imus."

"Gosh, I turned off my radio, but little boys are still disrespecting me. I wonder why this 'advice' didn't work ..."
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Singing the Worker's Compensation Blues

2007-04-07T16:17:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had to deal with Worker's Compensation? Specifically, medical benefits? My wife and I have had to work with Worker's Comp a few times over the years, and it has ALWAYS been a hassle.

Here's our typical circumstance. Say I have an injury at work - usually nothing major - a small puncture wound for example. Nothing like being beaned by a falling pallet or something. Boss sends me to the Emergency Room. Typical fare on that - wait three hours, finally see the doctor, some routine procedure and a Band-Aid fifteen minutes later and I am back to work.

Now the fun begins. Though I had specifically instructed the E.R. to point to my employer's Worker's Compensation insurance provider, supplied by my employer, sooner or later I have come to expect getting a bill from the hospital for services rendered.

The story's always the same. The hospital had forwarded my claim to my employer's insurer, but they never paid. Therefore, the balance due becomes MY responsibility. Now I know, once again, that I will be facing a six month painstaking dialog among myself, the insurer and the hospital.

The insurer will invariably claim that there is missing information - be it a signature from my boss, or some form from the hospital, or what have you. It then becomes MY responsibility to track down and acquire this missing link - and in the mean time, the hospital keeps sending me past due notices and death threats if I don't send them some sort of payment within the next thirty days. Well maybe death threats is a little exaggerated, or maybe not.

Eventually, the hospital claim is settled and the threats cease. Right around then is when one of us gets another injury.

The last straw

Something happened recently that made our previous excursions with Worker's Comp seem like a walk in the park. My wife injured herself at work a while back - nothing serious - just a nicked hand. Boss says, Why don't you go to the Emergency Room? Nah - it's not that bad, she said. No, really! We insist. So off to the ER she goes. No big deal - she was in and out in about ten minutes, (well, in and out of the examination room - she was in the waiting room for two hours.) The doctor trimmed away the exposed tissue and sent her back to work with a Band-Aid.

Though she never gave her home address, and had only given the provider information from her employer, she got a bill from the hospital anyway. Turns out they found her address from her medical records, as she had visited that hospital in the past for routine work. Anyway, the bill was for one thousand and seventy five dollars.

We had the usual runaround we have come to expect, but eventually we were "told" the bill had finally been paid. That is, until last week, when yet another bill arrives for two hundred and thirty eight dollars. Here we go again, we said. She submits the bill to her boss, and he calls the insurer. Later, he reports that the insurer investigated the statement and had determined that the amount was the difference between the total hospital charges and the negotiated rate the Worker's Comp insurer pays for the services provided. She was also told that the hospital will "write off" this charge, and the bill will be considered Paid in Full.

Normally this is where the average person would be relieved - I mean after all, no more bills, right? But in my mind, I thought it a bit aggravating that the hospital, who KNOWS they have negotiated a special rate with Worker's Comp, should be trying to squeak that last amount from the patient, (who technically should be responsible for NO amount - given that the coverage is supposed to be totally provided by Worker's Comp.)

So basically they are trying to convince the patient that there is still an amount owed, when in fact, there is none. The best analogy I can come up with is a car dealer who offers a construction company fleet rates for their trucks, and then tries to collect the difference from the truck drivers.

Though we ended up having the luxury of ignoring the bill for $238, because we started an investigation, I cannot help but to think of the times where a teacher or a single mother of three took food away from their families in order to pay a bill that was not even the hospital's to collect, in order to avoid late night calls from collection agencies and bad credit ratings. (I can hardly imagine a hospital calling a collection agency for a past due payment on amounts not even legitimately owed - oh wait - I can.)

The practice of trying to recoup the difference between standard and negotiated rates is not limited to Worker's Comp claims. I had similar beefs with some hospitals while dealing with claims through my employer's medical insurance which also utilized negotiated rates.

Summary

Worker's Compensation is an important benefit that has its place in the American workplace. However, as a government program, there are plenty of opportunities for abuse, in this case from the hospitals. I suspect there are two driving forces behind the hassle we see whenever we find ourselves facing a claim. One, the Worker's Comp insurer your employer chooses hopes that you will get so sick and tired of the hassle that you will submit the bills through your existing health insurance policy, or better yet, out of pocket. Some health insurers allow that, but others force you to go through Worker's Comp if the injury happened on the job. And two, I think hospitals know this and have found themselves getting nowhere if they only deal directly with the insurers, so the hospitals have found that if they get the patient involved, and threaten collection and credit exposures, then the patient will work to resolve the issues to preserve their good credit.

There's even a theory that these entities are plotting against the employee to make him more responsible at work so as not to get injured and have to deal with all this. Yeah, that's right. We're just clumsy and looking to get time off of work.

But why does it have to be that way? I'm all for reform that can ease the process of recovering from job injuries (the financial recovery, not the physical.) And I am certainly in favor of any change we can see in keeping hospitals honest enough to stop trying to collect from the patients differences they have agreed upon with the insurance companies and are not actually owed by anybody.

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What's wrong with this sign?

2007-03-25T18:02:00.000-04:00

Take a look at the photo and tell me what's missing. Every time I see a sign such as this one, it bugs me because it is missing punctuation, or some sort of distinction between the Trespassing and the Violators.

Imagine this dialog:

Me: Hello, City of (fill in your city here)?

City: Yes, how can I help you?

Me: I have a question about signs I find around the city.

City: Which ones?

Me: The ones that say, "No trespassing, violators will be prosecuted."

City: What is your question?

Me: Well, it seems there should be something between Trespassing and Violators to show they are separate sentences.

City: No, they're right.

Me: They're right?

City: Yes, it is intentional that they are like that.

Me: Can you explain?

City: Yes, it is quite simple. There is no money in the city budget to prosecute trespassing violators.

So according to the City, the number of trespassing violators that they will prosecute is zero.

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Product Liability Exposures

2007-03-14T21:26:00.000-04:00

For quite some time, Sunshine Cheez-It had an interesting graphic on the side of their box. The photo shows a single cracker with the title Anatomy Of A Cheez-It. The list of features include:

No-Slip Grip - Helps you grab more Cheez-It Crackers in every handful.
Air Intake - Improves aerodynamics during periods of Cheez-It Crackers consumption.
Surface Dynamics - Bumpy, crispy, crunchy, utterly satisfying.

Serious claims, huh? Well, I guess the Sunshine Biscuits company lawyers weren't quite comfortable with putting out such statements without a bunch of disclaimers, and there are three of them:

Under Anatomy Of A Cheez-It, it says, "(But Don't Believe It!)"
Under the photo of the cracker, it says, "Not actual size". (Incidentally, I held up one of the BIG Cheez-It crackers to the photo, and it was EXACTLY that size.)
And most insulting, on the bottom it says, "These qualities make Cheez-It Crackers fun, but do not suggest any serious product performance claims.

Hello, Sunshine Biscuits lawyers? You just sucked all the fun out of your cracker. "Serious product performance claims"?!? Are they kidding me? What, do they think Consumer Reports brought out all their high-tech cracker testing equipment to check Sunshine's No-Slip Grip, Air Intake, and Surface Dynamics?

Got any new product liability disclaimers you enjoyed?

(UPDATE: well, apparently those lawyers were fired. Now the box shows a HUGE wedge of cheese with a sign that says Actual Taste next to a teensy Cheez-It cracker that says Actual Size. No disclaimers! Way to go, Sunshine!)

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What is the Meaning of Life?

2007-03-03T06:52:00.000-05:00

"What is the Meaning of Life?" Oh yes, the age ol' Life Meaning question. The vision of the man climbing the mountain to visit the guru comes to mind. Perhaps you've felt particularly frustrated one day and the question had occurred to you.

What is the meaning of life? Before one can find the Meaning of Life, it would seem that you need to first find the answer to What is the meaning of "Meaning?"

Webster defines "meaning" as "the thing one intends to convey. Something meant or intended.

"Meant" is defined as "to have in the mind as a purpose. Intend."

And "intend" is "to design for a specified use or future. Plan."

So the meaning of "meaning" seems to be something that "one" has "in mind," designing or "planning" for a specific purpose. Who is that one that designed Life? Does that one have a mind?

Those who are not inclined to believe in a Creator may feel that the meaning of life is a moot point. Or perhaps they look within themselves for meaning. Perhaps those who believe in a Creator can seek the answer with Him.

Personally, I don't know the M.O.L. I believe that "Life is like a Box of Chocolates - The more you take in, the more you want."

A man climbs the mountain and asks the guru, "What
is the meaning of life?" The old man looks up and says,
"I don't know, my son. But I can tell you the 'Two
Secret Keys to Success.'" "I'd like to hear them," said
the traveler. "The First Key is to determine your greatest
talent. The Second is to find someone who is willing to
pay you great sums of money to do it."

.

Jackpot

2007-02-06T03:08:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you've seen the latest scam, but this is about the second or third one I've seen like this. You get some sort of scratch-off in the mail, and when you scratch off the patch, it appears that you have won the biggest prize. One instance I recall displayed a "Royal Flush" when I scratched off the circle. A closer inspection of the fine print usually yields some sort of disclaimer that the prize you've won is somehow other than what you are led to believe from the front. In this case, as indicated underneath the three little "pots o'gold" in the top photo are the words "shopping spree." And as the ad is for repossessed vehicles, I would imagine the prize is a thousand bucks off one of their repossessed cars.

They must believe I am possessed to fall for such a deal. To add further insult, here's how the fine print begins:

"THANK YOU FOR READING THE FINE PRINT, SMART SHOPPERS ALWAYS DO."

Shoppers, beware. If you didn't pay for a scratch-off, don't be surprised if any winnings you receive are less than cause for celebration.

.

Postal Service at its Finest

2007-01-27T14:46:00.000-05:00

Good thing it didn't say "DO NOT SHRED."

.

The blind leading the sighted

2007-01-23T17:19:00.000-05:00

I used to work with a colleague who was blind since birth. He told a story about how he diagnosed text "missing" from a webpage when his sighted coworkers could not troubleshoot the problem.

How could he tell? His text "screen reader" showed the words and the color attributes as separate objects. Turns out they had white text on a white background. Because he wasn't "seeing" the text as a sighted reader would, he was able to "look" at the problem from a different perspective.

Talk about the blind leading the sighted.

Rules of Dating

2007-01-07T21:18:00.000-05:00

RULE #1: Women make the rules.

RULE #2: If a man wants to date a particular woman, he must be willing to date her exclusively.

A woman of my acquaintance gave the following answer as to why a woman insists upon a man dating her exclusively:

"We are frustrated and feel when we have found the right man then we are entitled to that happiness that seems to have eluded us all those years."

So, just because a woman has had poor luck in snagging a mate, that means that a man has to give up all other women from his life?

Translation of RULE #2: "I've determined that you are the right man for me. Therefore, if you want to continue to date me, you must see me exclusively."

Men would not choose to work that way. If a man had his way, he would date several women simultaneously, then choose from them the one who is "right" and marry her. But this NEVER happens in the real world. And do you know why? Because as soon as the woman finds out that he has been seeing others, she becomes indignant, feels that he is "cheating" and moves on to find someone who will not stray.

This forces him to do one of the following:

A. Break up with her.
B. Go behind her back.
C. Tell the girl up front that he intends to date others. (Note that
this will only assure he will NEVER get a date! See RULE #2 above)

Since C is out, and if he feels that he couldn't do B, then he has to break up with her if he wants to date others. But this forces him to live by RULE #2. The only way he can follow his own rules is to go behind her back. When do men win?

JFK Jr's famous salute

2006-11-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

This week marks the 43rd anniversary of a famous event: that image seen around the world when little three year old JFK Jr lifted his arm and gave a finely formed salute to his departed father, John F Kennedy, our nation's 35th President.

Who could forget that tribute to his dad, captured forever by photographers and sent to the world-wide press via the news wire. It's a touching image. Do a Google image search and you can see numerous iterations of that fateful photo.

And who has not seen the footage of little John John raising his arm to honor the late President during one of the many televised documentaries about JFK, JFK Jr, or Jackie O on one of the stations such as A&E or CNBC?

What you won't see

What you won't see in that footage is the little boy lowering his hand after that salute. You'll see him standing with his mom and his uncle as the coffin approaches, then you'll see the salute, then the camera cuts away to something else.

So who cares, you ask? What makes the difference? The kid salutes, he stops saluting, and life goes on, right?

Maybe. I remember watching the many live newscasts that week in '63. These were the televised productions that were being presented before they were edited into the newsreels we see today as the historical record. For whatever reason, perhaps in the mind of an impressionable elementary-aged school student that I was, I remember it slightly differently than that which is presented today.

In that live footage, I remember John John raising his hand to salute, which he held for several seconds, and then I seem to recall either his mother or his uncle noticing this gesture and then gently helping the lad lower his arm back to his side.

If it did indeed happen as I believe I recall, I'm sure it was nothing more than an instinctual response on the part of Junior's relative. Kids make gestures all the time, some appropriate, others not, and three year olds are specially prone to such behavior. It is a parents' or relatives' instinct to try to correct a child's deeds on sight without having the time to consider its historical significance, specially at a time while grieving. Which parent of a three year old do you know who has not had to leap into action as their kid was fidgeting with their trousers or picking their nose in public?

Here's what I think happened. When the media got raw footage from the videographers of the day, they saw the magnificent salute, followed by the well intended "correction," and decided to run the video up to the salute only, so as not to taint America's love for the Kennedy family in general. And specifically to avoid tarnishing that historical image with a follow-on gesture that would imply the action was somehow prohibited. The salute is so powerful that to run the insignificant and harmless aftergesture would greatly reduce the emotional impact of the moment, so why not cut the tape at the peak of the moment?

What's the point?

Why do I bring this up? No reason. Every year since 1963 about this time, we see documentaries and biographies about the Kennedys. Every time I see one, I see that stock footage. And every time I wonder, Was I imagining this? Granted I was young, but the memory is so strong. I've often wondered how I can prove my theory. Somewhere in this world, somebody owns that original news footage. Besides, the funeral of our beloved President was a well attended event, and video cameras did exist in 1963. Somebody has a private clip of that moment.

Anyway, if you were "there" in '63, or if you might have seen the original, unedited footage, do you recall if young JFK Jr had any help in completing the salute seen 'round the world? Or am I just imagining things?

Surprise!

2006-11-10T12:51:00.000-05:00

A man walked into his house and discovered nearly all of his family in his living room.

After pausing to catch his breath, he spoke.

"Grandma! What are you doing here all the way from Texas? Aunt Winnie! Cousin Bill! Long time, no see! How are the kids? But this isn't my birthday or anniversary. What is the special occasion for this surprise family reunion?"

Then his wife spoke.

"You say Surprise family reunion... we say Intervention..."

Crunk

2006-10-01T19:51:00.000-04:00

I left the toilet seat up again the other day.

Guys, I'm sure you know what I am talking about. We hear it every week.

"You left the toilet seat up again," from the female version of our companions.

It is like it is the Crime of the Century. For the life of me, I still do not understand why it is so much of a problem. Us guys probably feel that way because we only need the seat down "occasionally," while the ladies need it down every time.

Even then. If you live in a family that has boys, I don't see why it is such an issue to just look to see if the darned seat is in the proper position before using the appliance. You wouldn't jump into a swimming pool before checking to make sure someone hadn't drained it first, would you?

And they don't pussyfoot around in letting you know when you have performed this transgression, do they guys? You'll be sitting there in the easy chair, watching the game, and from the family bathroom you'll hear that familiar CRUNK sound - the sound of the toilet seat dropping from about five inches off the toilet. You KNOW they are doing that intentionally, so you can practically hear the disgust they feel upon seeing that once again, you have left the seat up.

Anyway, I had the following, somewhat related conversation with a group of female colleagues recently.

I asked them, "Under what circumstance could you imagine that a toilet seat in the Ladies Room would be left up?"

"What do you mean," asked a female acquaintance.

"Well, the other day I heard the distinct sound of a toilet seat dropping in the ladies room, and I just wondered why in the world the seat would have been up in the first place."

"What were you doing in the ladies room," came their initial request.

"I wasn't IN the ladies room," I returned, "I was in the MEN'S room. In case you didn't know this, building architects frequently try to save money by having both the ladies and men's room share plumbing between the wall separating the two rooms. I was sitting on a toilet in the MEN's room, and not only heard the toilet seat fall in the ladies room, but felt it as well, through my toilet seat. My toilet seat in the MEN's Room."

After the women recovered from their laugh fest, I again begged of them.

"So does anyone care to theorize why a seat would have been left in the 'wrong' position in a room only ladies would have occupied?"

A few theories came forth, none very plausible, but one stood out as that which made most sense. The custodian probably left it up after cleaning the toilet the night before. Probably was a guy.

Two Die so One Might Live

2006-09-10T08:51:00.000-04:00

Two die so one might live. And then a short time later, that person dies. Here's the deal. Guy goes into the hospital, let's call him Phil, and gets diagnosed with this really bad illness. The good news is that there is a very effective treatment for it. The bad news is that the treatment costs a fortune. It also has a bunch of side effects that are a real nuisance for Phil to live with. And the prognosis is, even with treatment, he probably won't live beyond a year. But the family's thrilled. To get just one more year with her husband, Phil's wife would give the world.

Fortunately, she won't have to go quite that far, for Phil has insurance. Instead, his $100,000 a year treatment gets paid via his health care plan, and the lucky fellow lives another twelve months, albeit with debilitating pain as a side effect of his medication.

The bulk of the costs of his treatment gets spread among the other participants of his health plan. As more and more miracle treatments come over the horizon, people who would have died of diseases 10, 15, or 20 years ago are now living longer lives.

But at what cost? Today's health care costs are staggering. It now costs more per patient to provide health care than ever before. Though it's great that modern technology can provide "wonder cures" to give many patients longer (though not necessarily better) lives, this phenomenon comes at a price that cannot be measured in dollars. Instead, people.

Who, you ask? Well, the under- or non-insured, of course. Let's take a hypothetical couple, and call them Harry and Harriet. Harry worked 25 years as a technician in a laboratory, and Harriet is a retired teacher. Harry got "outsourced" and lost his job. Before you know it, Harry and Harriet find that they can no longer afford health insurance - the premiums are just way too high. So they take the risk and drop coverage, choosing instead to pay for treatment out of pocket.

So that works for a few years, but then Harriet develops cancer. Since now she has a pre-existing condition, she no longer qualifies for affordable health insurance (not that the insurance was affordable before.) What would normally cost H&H about $1200 a month would now cost them over three grand a month because of Harriet's new diagnosis.

Bottom line - Harriet dies from her cancer. A few months later, Harry dies - from loneliness.

But Phil lived. For one year. In pain. And at great cost - the lives of Harry and Harriet, who died partly because they couldn't afford to pay for Phil's treatment.

Frequently Asked Questions about FAQ's

2006-08-26T13:18:00.000-04:00

Q. What is the difference between Q&A and FAQ?

A. Q&A is usually written by the developers prior to products being shipped. Its intent is to try to present user documentation in an easy to read format. Q&A's concise format is considered easier to follow for many audiences.

FAQ is a list of commonly asked questions users have asked after a product has been made available. Both are intended to assist the user in the use of the product.

Q. Why are many FAQ entries so specific? I thought they were supposed to be FREQUENTLY asked questions. How often can the following question POSSIBLY have been asked:

"Whenever I have 13 windows simultaneously opened and I right click on an icon immediately after hitting the J key but just before getting notified that I have mail I get a throbbing pain just under my left eyebrow but only during a new moon if it's raining on a Wednesday?"

A. Some development teams don't know what to call their support forum, so they call them FAQ. In the early stages of their product cycle, they may post every problem that occurs.

To make matters worse, some open their FAQ's so that ANYONE can post to them, thus creating the phenomenon you've observed: highly specific questions.

Q. Isn't the term FAQ somewhat redundant? I mean, what else but a QUESTION can be ASKED??? Shouldn't it be called FQ for Frequent Questions?

A. FQ was considered, but it created the problem that there was no way to say it as an acronym that would be universally pronounced.

Q. Whenever I have a question about a program I'm trying to install, I never see my question in the FAQ. Why is that?

A. Voila! Here's your question!

Mine Mine Mine

2006-08-14T14:43:00.000-04:00

Ever notice how many times you see the word "my" in front of topics of interest? "My" eBay, "My" Yahoo, "My" Florida.

What is the message here? Apparently, in this age of personalization, companies want you to be able to "own" your own version of their product. They want you to customize your experience, presumably so you keep coming back.

An Internet search came up with at least the following sites that promise to make your visit personal:

http://my.american.edu

http://my.ca.gov

http://my.ebay.com

http://my.excite.com

http://my.monster.com

http://my.msn.com

http://my.netscape.com

http://my.nytimes.com

http://myswitzerland.com

http://myway.com

Whether they truly allow your experience to be unique would be subject to your own investigation. But the implication in their titles is that you, and only you, will have a visit like no other. Clever marketing ploy.

men's butts

2006-07-30T13:12:00.000-04:00

What do the following three movies have in common?

Just Like Heaven
Failure to Launch
Space Cowboys

All three have at least one scene where they show some old guy's butt.

In Just Like Heaven, the audience is treated to some old codger's rear end exposed through one of those peek-a-boo hospital gowns. That was funny the first 800 times over the years, but now it's really starting to lose a lot of its charm.

In Failure to Launch, we get to see more of Terry Bradshaw than any guy, sports fan or otherwise, would ever want to see.

In Space Cowboys, the audience gets to enjoy not one but no less than FOUR sagging, aging butts splashed across the screen. (I'll pause as you recover from that visual.)

How this came up was, as would be happenstance, these three movies were the most recent DVDs my wife and I rented from Blockbuster. In no manner were we deliberately seeking to rent flicks which explicitly showed the hind quarters of retirement-aged and beyond actors.

Now don't get me wrong, I like men's butts just as much as the next guy. (Sound weird? Not really, when you consider that the next guy and the guy after that probably really don't like men's butts all that much.)

But what happened to the day when you actually might have gotten a glimpse of a female bottom or two? Apparently, it's still taboo in America to show any skin of the "she" variety, but it is considered fun, amusing, and dare I say humorous to show a man's butt, specially, (or perhaps only,) if it is plastered to the back of an antiquated geezer.

Going Postal

2006-07-22T13:58:00.000-04:00

The other day, I had the need to send a package via the US Postal Service. I walked into the Post Office, waited my turn in line, and stepped forward to the desk clerk.

"I'd like to send this to New York and insure it for a thousand dollars, please," I stated, in what I thought was relatively clear English.

"It would be cheaper to send it 'Registered,'" was his response.

"oh-kaaaay ..." I began, "if I send it REGISTERED, can I insure it for a thousand dollars?"

"You don't need to insure it," he iterated, "all you have to do is register it."

At this point, I was tempted to say, 'Look. I want to send THIS PACKAGE to New York. If this package doesn't REACH New York, I want THE POST OFFICE to give me ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Is there any way YOU can make it happen like that??"

That's what I wanted to say - but I am typically not that rude. What came out instead was, "I don't understand."

That is where he explained it to me, in a manner that seemed somewhat "down-putting." Apparently, if I sent the package "registered for $1000," the total cost of the postage would have been a bit less than sending it "insured" for $1000. The cost difference? Less than a dollar, of course.

There was nobody behind me when I entered the Post Office, and there were four people behind me when I left. Draw your own conclusion.

Phone Hell

2006-06-22T19:52:00.000-04:00

Just went through Phone Hell today - again. I'm sure you know what I am talking about. You want to talk directly to a Customer Service Representative because you are certain that you have a unique question that cannot be answered through the myriad of options they make available to you via the automated system.

I believed I had that today. My wife changed jobs and got a new insurance carrier. Turns out the carrier uses the same on-line prescription drug facility as the old one. But the on-line interface still pointed to the old carrier. I was certain that nobody has ever asked, "How do I change my wife's insurance carrier in the on-line interface so she can continue to access her medications under the new carrier?"

So, like a fool, I called the medication facility. Of course, I automatically got dropped into the automated system. And this one wasn't the usual "press 1 for" this and "2" for that. This is one of the newer systems that try to initiate your venture by allowing you to ask your question in plain English.

"Why don't you tell me how I can help you today?" it queried, expecting to be able to make heads or tails out of my response. Do they really expect me to answer that honestly?

I was tempted to respond in French, to see if it would switch to that language, were it not for two things: I don't speak French, and I would not understand the responses and would have to start over. Plus, who wants to be in French Phone Hell?

"I'd like to ask about benefits ..." I offered, wondering on which path that would lead me.

"Do you have a question about benefits?" the lovely female voice asked, seeking confirmation of my request.

Well, DUH, I thought.

"Yes," I responded.

Of course, you can probably imagine where that took me. Down a host of other options that specified everything under the sun except for that which would have answered my question. Every option offered related to my existing coverage, but naturally nothing had to do with changing coverage.

Once I got to about the ninth choice, I got fed up and just pressed 'zero.' As you may have learned, pressing zero will sometimes get you a live person.

Not this time, of course. What pressing zero got me was a statement I have never heard before in my years of circumnavigating through automated response systems, and made me realize I was truly in Phone Hell. Ready?

"I know you want to speak to a Customer Service Representative, but please try to continue to use our Voice Response System to answer your question. In the event that I cannot answer your question, I will connect you to a Customer Service Representative."

So let me get this straight. The system's smart enough to recognize the sheer frustration level of their users, and has been programmed to ignore such pleas for assistance, choosing instead to try to talk them back into navigating through the automated system?!?

Here's a thought, oh great conglomerate to which I must bow down, (since you are my ONLY option, in this case.) If you KNOW I am trying to reach a live person - CONNECT ME TO ONE!! Is that too much to ask?

Were it not bad enough that the system is toying with me, but to state with pseudo-authority that "I will connect you IF, (and ONLY if,) I cannot help, and when I am good and ready," leaves me with the feeling that these auto-systems have been granted WAAAY too much power.

I finally gave up and simply refused to answer any more questions. Apparently THAT'S the key to getting a live person - make them believe you have lost your voice from yelling into the phone, or simply have passed out in thorough exhaustion from the voyage.

At any rate, eventually I got a real person - a nice lady named Melanie, who spoke English just like a native American. (I don't mean 'Native American' like an Indian, I just mean someone who was born in the US,) and she was able to help me.

No Parking

2006-04-27T07:35:00.000-04:00

It never fails to amaze me watching cars roving up and down the aisles in the parking lot looking for that one space a few feet closer to the doors of the shopping mall.

Worse, some will actually stop their car, blocking traffic, and wait for somebody to pull out so they can pull in.

And it's not like they are trying to avoid walking in the snow, ice, or cold - I live in the South, for cryin' out loud.

I wish that somebody would tell me the logic of driving all over the parking lot for a closer spot, and then spending the next forty-five minutes circumnavigating a shopping mall, (twice if it's two levels,) or a half hour going up and down the aisles in the supermarket, ALL ON FOOT.

And at the supermarket, it's not like you have to carry your bags a long way - the cart's on wheels!

At the Mall

At a local shopping mall we frequent, I have discovered a secret little "patch" of parking spaces that are usually available. It rarely fails that there are at least twelve adjoining spaces when I arrive. Even at Christmas time there are at least six spaces scattered about in my secret spot. And it's not all that far from the entrance to a major anchor store in the mall - a relatively short walk, and certainly a mere fraction of the commute we will make on our shopping spree.

However, it never fails that we see the same cars roaming around looking for a spot as we enter the parking lot, and walk past the same cars looming and waiting as we leave our parked car and enter the complex. What are they hoping to gain? Just once I am waiting for the time when they are still searching as we leave the mall to return to our "patch."

While Walking

I take a brisk walk a few times a day at work. Part of my journey passes alongside a large parking lot. It seems a regular occurrence that as I am walking, I will hear a car slowly following me, as if to be waiting for me to get into my car to free a spot. As it becomes apparent that I am not approaching any cars, or when I just get too far from the building, they will race off in a huff, as if to punish me for wasting their time.

"Hello, people. I am WALKING here."

Folks, park where you can find a spot and walk a little farther. From what I have seen of some of you, you could use the workout.

Free BlackBerry!

2006-04-07T18:38:00.000-04:00

Did that get your attention?

No, I am not planning on giving away a free BlackBerry, or anything else for that matter, other than my opinion. But if it will make you feel any better, you can interpret the title as you would "Free Mandela!" (or for those born after 1990, "Free Willy!") In other words, Set the BlackBerry Free.

What do I have against the BlackBerry? Nothing. If it is that critical to you and your business to have a teeny tiny screen and an eensy weensy keyboard just so you can send wireless e-mails or otherwise communicate with your colleagues while you sit on the ... er ... train, then by all means go for it.

What I fear, though, is that we may be getting just a LITTLE too attached to our devices.

It wasn't ten years ago that you saw just a few people doing the cell phone dance, (swaying round'n'round and bobbing up'n'down seeking the best signal.) Today, you cannot walk down any city street without finding every sixth or seventh person connected to their telephones.

Is that a problem? Today's young businesspersons do not think so.

College grads weaned on the wireless laptop, cell phone, (including 2-way voice, text messaging, etc,) and now the BlackBerry, are telling potential employers that they expect to continue to use their devices in the workplace. Seasoned employees may shudder at such a suggestion and wish them good luck on that venture.

But the employers are listening. Corporate memos are going out to managers telling them to heed the requests of these incoming graduates or risk falling behind to the competition who will give them such access. After all, unless you've been living under a rock, you know that there is a shortage of techies coming. Big Tech will be hurting for tech-savvy people and the only ones available to fit the bill to replace retiring baby boomers will be today's whiz-bang kids wielding the BlackBerry.

Just so they don't expect me to follow suit. My VCR is still flashing 12:00 - 12:00 - 12:00.

Sorry, Boss. I'm calling in dead ...

2006-03-03T17:35:00.000-05:00

"Hello, Boss? I can't come in today. I'm sick, my spouse
is sick, and all my kids are sick. And because you dropped
my medical coverage, and we cannot afford health care
premiums, we are uninsured. So the only thing we can afford
now is home care, which includes chicken soup, tea, and
plenty of bed rest.

"I know the original intent of you providing me health care
over the years was to keep me healthy so I can show up every
day and be productive. But I guess I can understand how
that is becoming less affordable for you, too. I mean after
all, you've got to think of your CEO's retirement party and all.

"Anyway, I should be back to work in a couple of months."

A New Heart

2006-02-25T11:30:00.000-05:00

In a previous post, I spoke of getting my heart stolen. I said if I ever get around to constructing another one from my remaining pair of car magnets, I would hang it on our refrigerator instead of out in public on my car like the last one. Well, that's what I did. Now if you want to steal my heart, first you have to be invited into my home.

My Social Security Number is ...

2006-02-01T18:46:00.000-05:00

... none of your business! Unless you are planning on employing me and paying into Social Security on my behalf, you should have no interest in my SS number.

And another thing. If I apply for a job, why do I need to put down my SS number on the application? Shouldn't a potential employer only need my number AFTER they hire me?

In my hometown this week, a thief broke into the home of the Bowling Association's executive director and made off with a laptop that contained the names, addresses and SS numbers for 3000 bowlers, of whom are my wife and me.

My question is, why the heck did the Bowling Association need my Social Security number?

Here's a request for anyone reading this. If you maintain records of your clients on a laptop you take into your home, and they contain SS numbers, would you please encrypt the data? Also, put a personal password on your machine.

It won't stop identity thievery, of course, but it may let me roll a few games until my identity is stolen.

Merry Christmas! (oooops!)

2005-12-12T17:00:00.000-05:00

I just want to wish you a Merry Christmas. But I cannot. Why not, you ask? Because I don't know if you're a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, or what you are.

You see, if you're not a Christian, then you may take offense at me wishing you happiness for an occasion you may not celebrate.

Therefore, I feel I must hide behind something more politically correct.

So, I wish you Happy Holidays!

No, wait, I cannot wish you that, either. Why not, you again ask?

Because the word "holiday" comes from the Olde English "halig daeg" or Holy Day. Since I don't know if you are an atheist or not, I don't want to risk offending you by wishing you joy on a day whose "holiness" you may not agree with.

OK, so what am I left with? Oh! I've got one!

Season's Greetings!

Hold on ... I don't think I can use that one either. Why not, you must be sick of asking by now?

Well, some say that "Jesus is the Reason for the Season." While I would dare not challenge that statement, some might believe that to use the word "season" in the context of a greeting this time of year might offend anyone who may not believe in Jesus.

So is there ANYTHING I can safely say in order to wish you well during the month of December?

I guess not. Have a Nice Day.

Have you seen my heart?

2005-12-11T08:12:00.000-05:00

Here's a digital representation of my "stolen heart."

Don't steal my heart

2005-11-26T08:08:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you've seen them. They're all over - those "Support Your Troops" magnetic ribbons on everybody's car. Some cars have two or even three of them. There are many versions, too. Some are red, white and blue, some are yellow, some have flags, stars, or stripes. I've even seen some with eagles on them.

These are similar to other magnetic ribbons you've seen in support of goals such as fighting breast cancer, AIDS, etc.

Because of their shape, it occurred to me that if you bought two of them, you may be able to form a heart by cutting them apart and connecting the loops. So that's what I decided to do. In order to form a nice heart, I needed to either buy two solid color ribbons, or buy two that were uniform in appearance enough to appear seamless where the two ribbons came together to form the heart. They also could not have words on them.

The pattern I chose was a ribbon that was made up of stripes of red, white, and blue, side by side. I searched several stores for such a ribbon, to no avail. Make no mistake - there are plenty of Support Your Troops magnetic ribbons out there, but I was looking for that specific pattern, red, white, and blue, side by side stripes. I know I have seen them, there is one on a red Toyota pickup truck where I work, it was just a matter of finding them.

Realizing I would probably not find them at a local store, I finally decided to search the Internet. Even that was a task. Though magnetic Support Your Troops ribbons are plentiful, it took quite a lot of searching to find exactly the one I was seeking. But sure enough, eventually I found it. A little outfit called 4 Armed Forces, http://www.4armedforces.com/, had just what I was looking for, a red, white, and blue striped ribbon with no letters on it. I ordered four ribbons, in case I ruined any in my attempts to build my little magnetic ribbon heart.

A short time later, my ribbons arrived. Nervously, I took two of them to scissors, not knowing if I would have a nicely shaped heart, or just shredded car magnets. It did not take long to realize I had a challenge to overcome. Because both ribbons have the overlap in the same place, (right over left,) I found that I needed to cut a small section of the discardable part of one of the ribbons and place it where the overlap would have been. Once I did that, then I could carefully cut the resulting loops of ribbon and form the left and right sides of the heart. I used cellophane tape on the joints of the backs of the pieces, and soon I had a very nicely shaped heart made of two Support Your Troops magnetic ribbons.

I was excited to put the finished heart on my car. Once I did, I found I had yet another challenge. The heart looked great up close. However from a distance, such as that from a car waiting behind me at a light, (the most popular viewing distance of these ribbons,) it didn't look so great. The blue on the ribbon didn't have enough contrast with the dark green color of my car. So from a distance you could see the red and white, but it didn't look very heart shaped.

The solution was relatively simple. I took white paint and I painted in the inside and outside outlines of the heart. The finished product looked great on my car. I had something I thought was somewhat unique, (I had never seen another one like it,) and I knew that anyone who wanted to duplicate it was in for quite some effort.

Or so I thought.

I kind of wish I had taken a picture of my heart shaped masterpiece before someone stole it off my car this weekend. But I still have the other pair of ribbons, so if I want to make another one, I can. However, if I do, I'll probably just put it on our refrigerator.

The last thing

2005-11-05T09:29:00.000-05:00

You know the expression, "The last thing we want to do is (whatever)"? That always sounds funny to me. "The LAST thing we want to do is spend all our money on gas." It's like you want to do everything else on your list, and THEN spend ALL YOUR MONEY on GAS!

I once read a list of items a company claims they try to accomplish. Bottoming their list was "Ultimately, we want to do right for our customers." I suppose I could state, most accurately, that "the last thing XYZ Company wants to do is what's right for their customers."