Sardonic nit witticism

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Location: Fort Myers, Florida, United States

People tell me that my sarcasm and cynicism will get me into trouble some day. We'll see.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

What's wrong with this sign?

Take a look at the photo and tell me what's missing. Every time I see a sign such as this one, it bugs me because it is missing punctuation, or some sort of distinction between the Trespassing and the Violators.

Imagine this dialog:

Me: Hello, City of (fill in your city here)?

City: Yes, how can I help you?

Me: I have a question about signs I find around the city.

City: Which ones?

Me: The ones that say, "No trespassing, violators will be prosecuted."

City: What is your question?

Me: Well, it seems there should be something between Trespassing and Violators to show they are separate sentences.

City: No, they're right.

Me: They're right?

City: Yes, it is intentional that they are like that.

Me: Can you explain?

City: Yes, it is quite simple. There is no money in the city budget to prosecute trespassing violators.

So according to the City, the number of trespassing violators that they will prosecute is zero.


Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Product Liability Exposures

For quite some time, Sunshine Cheez-It had an interesting graphic on the side of their box. The photo shows a single cracker with the title Anatomy Of A Cheez-It. The list of features include:

  • No-Slip Grip - Helps you grab more Cheez-It Crackers in every handful.
  • Air Intake - Improves aerodynamics during periods of Cheez-It Crackers consumption.
  • Surface Dynamics - Bumpy, crispy, crunchy, utterly satisfying.

Serious claims, huh? Well, I guess the Sunshine Biscuits company lawyers weren't quite comfortable with putting out such statements without a bunch of disclaimers, and there are three of them:

  • Under Anatomy Of A Cheez-It, it says, "(But Don't Believe It!)"
  • Under the photo of the cracker, it says, "Not actual size". (Incidentally, I held up one of the BIG Cheez-It crackers to the photo, and it was EXACTLY that size.)
  • And most insulting, on the bottom it says, "These qualities make Cheez-It Crackers fun, but do not suggest any serious product performance claims.

Hello, Sunshine Biscuits lawyers? You just sucked all the fun out of your cracker. "Serious product performance claims"?!? Are they kidding me? What, do they think Consumer Reports brought out all their high-tech cracker testing equipment to check Sunshine's No-Slip Grip, Air Intake, and Surface Dynamics?

Got any new product liability disclaimers you enjoyed?

(UPDATE: well, apparently those lawyers were fired. Now the box shows a HUGE wedge of cheese with a sign that says Actual Taste next to a teensy Cheez-It cracker that says Actual Size. No disclaimers! Way to go, Sunshine!)


Saturday, March 03, 2007

What is the Meaning of Life?

"What is the Meaning of Life?" Oh yes, the age ol' Life Meaning question. The vision of the man climbing the mountain to visit the guru comes to mind. Perhaps you've felt particularly frustrated one day and the question had occurred to you.

What is the meaning of life? Before one can find the Meaning of Life, it would seem that you need to first find the answer to What is the meaning of "Meaning?"

Webster defines "meaning" as "the thing one intends to convey. Something meant or intended.

"Meant" is defined as "to have in the mind as a purpose. Intend."

And "intend" is "to design for a specified use or future. Plan."

So the meaning of "meaning" seems to be something that "one" has "in mind," designing or "planning" for a specific purpose. Who is that one that designed Life? Does that one have a mind?

Those who are not inclined to believe in a Creator may feel that the meaning of life is a moot point. Or perhaps they look within themselves for meaning. Perhaps those who believe in a Creator can seek the answer with Him.

Personally, I don't know the M.O.L. I believe that "Life is like a Box of Chocolates - The more you take in, the more you want."

A man climbs the mountain and asks the guru, "What
is the meaning of life?" The old man looks up and says,
"I don't know, my son. But I can tell you the 'Two
Secret Keys to Success.'" "I'd like to hear them," said
the traveler. "The First Key is to determine your greatest
talent. The Second is to find someone who is willing to
pay you great sums of money to do it."